Josh looked at the clock and swore. Two o'clock in
the morning, and he hadn't slept at all. He'd been lying awake in
his bed since he turned the lights out at ten. He swore again, and
rolled out of bed. He stumbled for the door and went out into the
hall. There was a light downstairs. Someone else was having
trouble sleeping. He padded down the stairs to the kitchen.
Gramps was sitting at the kitchen table eating a piece of
pie. He smiled when Josh walked in.
"Hello, Josh. Couldn't resist another piece of pie? I
saved some for you." He pushed the pie tin across the table and smiled.
"Hi, Gramps. No. Just having trouble sleeping. Can I talk
to you? Can I ask you some questions? Do you mind?"
"Sounds like heavy stuff coming. Let me get you a plate
and a glass of milk, and then we can talk man to man." He moved
his chair back and pushed himself up. The aroma of the apple
pie wrapped itself around Josh and made him suddenly famished.
His grandfather put the last piece of pie and a large glass of milk
in front of him. How do grandfathers know just the right time
for apple pie?
"What's on your mind, son? Cindy giving you trouble?"
"Yeah. No. No, she's fine. She wants us to get an
apartment next year, maybe this summer. She's going to UNH this fall.
Thinks it would be great fun. Our own place. No one telling us what to
do, where to go, when to be home. You know, freedom."
"Seems like you've got a lot of that right here. But I
think independence, too. That's the trick."
"Ob thick. . . ." Josh smiled and swallowed a mouthful
of pie. "I think, I want. . . . Oh, Gramps, I don't know what I
want. Maybe I want a grandfather who sits in the kitchen and feeds
me pie when I can't sleep. But the scary thing is that maybe that's all
I want. Am I ready to move out of this house?" He stared at a
forkful of pie.
"Well, let me give you some ideas. I don't have
answers, just a few thoughts. First, I think I'd probably throw you out of
this house in a few years. Oh, don't look so surprised. I know
your mother is still here, but that's different. Or should be different.
This house was a pretty wild place eighteen years ago. First she
was pregnant, then she was going to get married, and then your
father was killed, and then she just settled in and I couldn't get her to
find a life of her own."
"She's got some friends now." Josh had finished the pie
and was working on the glass of milk.
"Sure she does. And they're mostly your doing.
You've been wonderful for her. Wonderful. But a lot of things could
have been better for her." Josh's grandfather went to the sink and filled
a glass with water.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, now, one of the things that makes this house work
is that we don't judge each other very much. We don't play what
if games. We just accept what we are and what we have done."
"Ha. I know that's the pretense around here but I've
always thought you must have some pretty strong feelings about
everything that's happened. What if you did play a what-if game?
What would you say?" Josh looked into his grandfather's eyes.
He'd never really been aware of how much like his own they were.
"You know, the first thing is I wish I had laid down
some rules for your mother. I blame myself for her getting pregnant.
We were too permissive. And too strict at the same time. Oh, no.
I'm not sorry you were born, don't get me wrong. I just wish you
could have waited a year or two. . . . Five years. Suppose your
mother had gone to college and then married your dad. Suppose they
were a happy couple going to school meetings and leaving you with
me for the weekends. Wouldn't that be swift?"
"That's quite a could've been."
"But what I got has been interesting. Very interesting.
I used to walk you in the middle of the night, and burp you,
and change your diaper." His eyes brightened as he remembered.
"And here you are, walking me in the middle of the
night again."
"At least there's no diaper to change. I think I just
realized something very important about me, and you, and your mother.
I guess I wouldn't change a thing. Oh, I loved your dad like a
son and when he died I was as devastated as your mother. But if
he'd lived, if they'd gotten married, then you'd be living down the
road, or in some other state, or far away. This way, I got to know
my own grandson. That's quite something. Not every man can
claim that."
"You wouldn't wish that I could have known my
father? That Mom could be living a better life?" Josh was suddenly
confused.
"No, no. Don't get me wrong. Sure, lots of things
could have been different and better. It's just that I'm pretty happy
with what I've been given."
"Cool philosophy. Is there any more pie?"
"We finished it up. I think your mother thought she
might have some for breakfast, but that's not going to happen. You
ready for bed now?"
"Gramps. We didn't talk about me. We talked about
you. How'd that happen?"
"Oh, you wanted to talk about Cindy and Stratham
Tech and Detroit and James Maloney. Probably about Fred and Gus,
and maybe even Holly Parsons. But I don't know much about them.
All I know about is where I've been and what I've done. The rest is
all for you to choose."
"You really don't think it matters, what I choose?"
"Now, wait. I said that liking what you get makes
things easier. It wasn't until last fall that your mother began to
accept what she was dealt. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't work
to make the best choice you possibly can."
"But how do you know what the best choice is?"
Josh tipped his head.
"Oh, you just have to weigh everything you can, and not
get caught by surprise. It makes a difference from this end, when
you can still control things. Later, you have to accept things. But
now, you are in the driver's seat."
"How can I choose? That's why I can't sleep. That's
what's got my head spinning in circles. What's the right choice? Can
you tell me? Can you help me?"
"Let me make a guess. You don't even need to tell me if
I'm right or wrong. Just let your grandfather talk for a minute, okay?"
"Sounds good."
"I think you're too worried about what everyone else
wants. What Cindy wants. What Holly Parsons wants. And about what
is best for all of these people. Mildred Ingersoll needs you to
take care of her. Hey, I need you to mow the grass."
"Well, yeah. Yeah. All those people need me. That's right."
"Now wait a minute. You got to factor in one more part
of the equation. You any good at math? Put Josh Allenson into
that mix, and what do you get?"
"They need me. I belong here, with these people.
You've made it all so clear."
"Ha. I don't think so. I think you should figure out
what you need. Would you be used by these people? Would you
be trapped by them? Would you be happy?"
"But you said they needed me. All of them. And you, too."
"Sure. We all would like to have you around. But we
can live without you. We will still have lives if you move to Detroit.
My grass will get mowed. Mildred will get her car washed. Exeter
will keep going if you leave."
"What would Cindy do?"
"Is that the question? Or is the question, what would you
do without Cindy?"
"Well, yeah. I've never known anyone like her. She
makes me feel so, so confident. So complete."
"Is it Cindy that does that, or is it you that have
suddenly found out a whole lot more about yourself?"
"What are you trying to say?" Josh found himself on
the defensive again, and didn't like it.
"You've grown a lot this year, Josh. You've become
a young man. Oh, I know you've been shaving for a while but
this year, this year a lot of things seemed to come together for
you. Don't throw it all away."
"You don't like her, do you? You think I'd waste my
life with her. Why don't you just leave me alone?"
"A strange request, coming from someone who
wandered into my kitchen at two in the morning. Listen. I'm going
upstairs. Even an old insomniac has to spend some time in his bed. I'm
not trying to tell you what to do. I'm not judging you, or Cindy, or
any of your friends. All I want you to do is to make a choice. Not
let someone else make it for you. Not let things just happen. You
are probably the strongest person in this house. Use that
strength. Make it work for you. Don't get drowned in the day to day."
"But that's not an answer. That doesn't tell me anything."
"Look deep inside of yourself, down in the deep
heart's core. That's where the answer is. That's where you are. Look
there, and then make your choice. Good night, Josh. Are you going
to school tomorrow?"
"Gramps? Gramps, wait a minute." Josh stood up
and walked around the table. "Gramps. You're the best." Josh put
his arms around his grandfather and hugged him tightly. "The very
best. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
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